Go or stay?
I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far... Philippians 1,23
Further illustrating the machinations of her anguished mind is the letter Simone Weil writes to her priest in early 1942, regarding her decision to leave France for the USA. Her preference is to remain with her people in their suffering under occupation by the Nazis. Yet she knows that her parents will not travel to the safety of America without her. What swings her decision in favour of going is the prospect of travelling on to Britain and joining the Resistance, being returned to France as a Special Operations Executive agent.
And yet... while her plan makes sense and in every aspect is driven by altruism, she is clearly not convinced because she leaves open the door for a change of mind, if Father Perrin is able to point out something she may have missed! Does this imply Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)? I'm not a medic so I couldn't possibly comment! Yet a vital aspect of personal responsibility is that we make decisions. We don't all and always have the luxury of time and a second opinion. Often vital decisions must be taken "on the hoof".
This is why that closer walk with God is necessary. The apostle Paul writes of the tension he feels between the prospect of heaven and his life on earth. In Matthew 11. 28-30 Jesus invites those who are worn out and confused to draw near to him for respite and inspiration. In The Message Eugene Peterson refers to this as "learning the unforced rhythms of grace". This is not the easy option it may suggest but it is the key to faithful living, to staying cool in a crisis and to making those crucial decisions when they arise.